Don't sweat it

I didn't start sweating until I turned 32.

I remember in P.E. classes the teachers would always tell us to remember to take a shower and clean up and I'd think why? Sure, I just ran the 100 yard dash in 11.4 seconds, but I didn't break a sweat. I wasn't even glistening. I was bone dry.

Then I aged and my hormones went through the wringer (growing, birthing and feeding four young'ens) and now I sweat like a stallion finishing the final leg of the Kentucky Derby.

And, it is getting kind of embarrassing. I mean face sweat and neck sweat aren't really any big deal when you're at the gym. Actually, face and neck sweat are cool, a sign of real exertion and commitment. But, under boob sweat and crack sweat isn't really where it's at- if you catch my drift. And, since I'm kind of new to the whole sweating scene, I'm not always sure what to do to conceal my perspiration markings. Is this TMI? maybe.

So, I've resorted to the obvious- wearing black all the time. Black is a good camouflager, but it's rather boring and I'm not convinced I'm fooling anyone. I've considered applications of deodorant to the offending locations, but I fear it will just transfer the sweat expending spots to another parts of my body, of which may be even worse than what I'm already dealing with. Of course I've already started hoarding the portable fans at the Y. I always place one either in front or behind me while I workout hoping to keep the temperature down but some of the other members have noticed and have started calling me "fan girl", so I'm developing a reputation for that move.

In reality, I should be thanking my lucky stars that I didn't start to really sweat until my thirties. Wes was born sweating and hasn't stopped since. When we were newly married and still students at BYU, he would be sitting at his desk doing homework (in the dead of winter) while beads of sweat would bubble up on his forehead. So, in essence he would sweat, while sitting, while doing his studies. How sad! When he works out at the gym he actually flings beads of sweat in a 3 foot radius all about him. He has to wipe down the entire machine once he's finished. He drops five pounds in water weight with every three mile run.

Okay, enough about Wes, back to me. I just don't know what to do! Should I wear more clothes? Like if I layer up then the sweat marks will be nearly impossible to see, but I'll be dying of heat exhaustion, so that doesn't seem like a good fix. I could just stop working out so hard. You know, casually and coolly coast along on the elliptical and not break a sweat, but then what good is that? I'm there to get fit, not just look good.

You know what? There is really no good solution to this but to just stick with wearing black. Black from head to toe. That's the deal. That is all I can do until someone invents some sort of material that absorbs all the sweat without leaving a mark. And, when that day comes I can start to sweat freely. Sweat with wild abandon.